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My (probably) last LoL match


...& some thoughts on toxicity

I almost got happy that I made it and posted in August to keep my not-100%-failure blogging streak going, but then I noticed I failed in June so what-kitten-ever :C

Sorry if I'm not sounding too coherent today. It is not a good brain day for me.

Several days ago there was some mini skin promo in LoL for which you needed IP (points you get for playing) so I logged in to see if I had enough points left over and, since I didn't have them, I went to play a game with bots. It didn't give me nearly enough points to bother over the next few days with the first-win-of-the-day bonus, but it made me realize that I am, indeed, most likely done with LoL. And if nothing special happens - like a sudden burst of nostalgia or a massive return of all the old friends for a few games of derpfest, it will probably stay this way.

It's a small end of a small era for me, I've been playing the game for a long time, I still watch the pro games, but the finish line kind of snuck up on me. As it always is. I've played two other MMOs in my life. Long LONG time ago it was Tibia, when it was all the rage. Then, it was WoW. Twice - first time on a private server, then, few years later on the retail. I don't think I knew the end was coming either time. When those things last, to me, they always seem so permanent. Until one day I log off and just don't log back in. No dramatic proclamation, no rage quit, no decision.

I just logged onto the LoL client to see when my last ranked game was - May 3rd. Warwick Jungle.

How... unfitting :P Well, at least it looks like I carried that one. That's something.

And on the 9th of August was the game vs. bots which could turn out to be my final goodbye.

But I also want to write about why I quit the game. Even though it wasn't a precise quit and just a distance that grew to become permanent, I do know why I am not coming back. And that is the in-game toxicity.

I often go to LoL's reddit and many times opinions on the topic are divided. Some agree that it has to be combated, but many say that those, who speak against it are, simply put, whining. If that's so, then so be it, but the truth is, I am not the only one of my friends who eventually gave up on the game because of that. And not the only one who won't come back for this reason.

Because, contrary to what some people seem to think, the game should be played for fun. And once I stopped playing LoL and went back to my single player games I remembered how it felt to play a game and actually enjoy every second of it. I didn't have to listen what some basement troll thinks, read flame from a pre-pubescent twelve year old offending the entire team with most vile insults his little head could come up with, or deal with angry teenagers believing themselves to be the gods' gift to the team. It was liberating. It IS liberating, because after years of LoL the memories are of course still fresh.

I was never the one to cry after being flamed, but unfair blaming did rile me up and piss me off. My friend - she was crying. And she dropped the game much sooner. Another had had his mood brought down daily by people like that. He kept coming back, because he liked the game, but eventually it was too much for him as well. And eventually it was too much for me too.

Believe it or not, that one bot game I went for a week ago was filled with flame as well. A BOT GAME. One player kept crying at others for "kill stealing" and "leaving him alone" alternating between the two. Was he a troll? I don't know. And honestly, I don't care. What difference does it make if the end result is the same?

Riot speaks a lot about combating toxicity, but it really doesn't do much, because there's such high social acceptance for it. Those "stop whining" reddit responses to many people complaining about the constant stream of insults are just the proof in the pudding (is that how you say this? :D). If someone got slapped with increasing bans for abusing their teammates the outrage would not end. Too harsh, too rough, all he did was flame, punish the trolls. Well shit, if it was up to me, I'd punish BOTH kinds.

There are many kids playing this game, many of them younger, going through harsh times in their lives, often LoL is their only escape from bullying in real life. If this was my game, I'd never put the good of the flamers above those nice players who just want to enjoy the game. Got butthurt about the deserved ban? Thinking it's too much? Cry me a river. It's not hard to not abuse your team, it really isn't unless someone has certified anger issues, in which case they should probably be doing something else than playing LoL. For example, working on dealing with those. Or add a self-mute button you tick before the game and can't untick inside it to help them keep their tongues (fingers) in check. If they don't use it and flame, ban them and move on. Tribunal was a great thing, it's a shame it's gone now.

Why Riot is still so lenient despite all of their incessant anti-toxicity talk? Probably because actually fighting it in a tough and really effective manner (that means, in a way that would give people certainty that trolling/flaming WILL get them banned and sooner rather than later) would be a bad business decision. I can see no other real reason.

Or maybe they agree that wishing some kid a painful death to him and his entire family, because he's having a bad game and died to his opponent is okay, because it's just talk. And the flamer has a bad day. And he ought to abuse at least 20 other kids in 20 other games before it's confirmed that he deserves a slap on the wrist.


Maybe the majority of the playerbase actually prefers things to be this way, because they occassionally abuse others too and don't want to be afraid to drop a juicy bunch of insults as long as they don't do it daily. Maybe I'm just whining. So be it.

But I remember how I was when I was starting to play the game - I liked to talk to other players, help them out, joke around, defend anyone that was attacked by some idiot. I used to talk to people post-game and add them to my friend-list. In the last months I wouldn't say a word during games and would leave the post-game lobby as soon as I could to avoid any potential annoying interactions. Sometimes my friend and I would stay and just read through the post-game chat pretending we're afk and shaking our heads looking at how angry and stupid some players could be flaming each other for up to 10 minutes after the game was over.

I never once flamed another person during those 3 or 4 years that I've been playing the game. But honestly, during my last LoL year, I often really wanted to. And I'm someone who DESPISES conflict and arguments of any sort.

Someone less mellow than me? Well.

Long story short - my days are simply more pleasant LoL-free. Even though I loved the game very much, I'm better off without it.

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The Defense of a Cave Troll


"You never leave home."

I can't count how many times have I sighed after hearing this sentence. It comes in various flavors, sometimes it's completely 'whatever', but sometimes it sure carries judgement, exasperation, or even blame. Yep, blame. Sometimes, when I hear it, it truly feels as if I actually owe people to go out. And I'm not talking about my close ones, I'm talking about general acquaintances.

The most common occurence though is definitely judgement, and one thing that bothers me most - and makes me think the most - is that the times when I've heard the most judgement in this statement was when it came from my brethren, (or so I thought!), the people who used to be cave trolls as well. Sometimes, perhaps, still are, but feel less cavy after a few outings.

Now, I feel that those people who, after leaving their caves, ride up to me on their high horses never actually #wanted# to sit at home instead of traversing bars, clubs, or what have you. Not everyone is a social butterfly and sometimes it takes people a while to grow up into it or to find a group they will fit in and finally get their share of social interactions. So when they finally do, they come to the little old me and roll their eyes at my unchanging anti-social habits.

Me? I am not a cave troll because I was forced into it. I could go out, hell, if I felt like it, I could go out every Friday night and have fun like the songs proclaim. There are bars in the city, if I was into it. There are Facebook groups, I'm sure, that connect people who want to go clubbing. Or, more realistically by my standards, I could at least sit in a bar and talk to friends, acquaintances, or random strangers. But I don't want to. I #am# a cave troll and I like my cave. Very, very much. I choose to stay in, because that's where I have the most things to do, that's where I feel best, and that's where I do things that actually interest me and awake positive emotions within me. I don't find joy in random outings and, most definitely, in sitting in bars and chit chatting hours away.

I also hate beer almost as much as I hate small talk (or more, it's bitter, eww).

So yes, sometimes I will go see a friend or a few, sure. Sometimes I will even enjoy it! Especially if we do something else than sit and talk or if they're my favorite people and we just have plenty to talk about. Every now and then I can even go to a party. But the farther away from my home it is, the smaller the chance is I will appear. And if I can't hit 'eject' button and come back to sleep in my own cozy bed after a warm bath and a cup of tea at any chosen moment, well damn, things get complicated. A cave troll wants to be in touch with her cave, without it, she feels lost and her fur gets ruffled.

That being said, there are times and occassions when I'm happy to leave. This past weekend my childhood friend got married. I'd have gone even if I broke both my legs (getting something out of the top shelf, because if most accidents happen at home, with the amount of time I spend here it would be bitterly ironic if I broke my legs anywhere else!). Sometimes there's just a fun thing to do, then I'm all in. Or a holiday in a bug-free hotel. Sure thing! There are days where I >gasp< even go for a solitary walk and breathe in the stinky city air. There are days where I feel like seeing people and talking to living humans without the use of a keyboard (what a crazy idea!).

But more often than not, I don't leave home indeed. I can go for long periods of time without talking face-to-face to people and not feel the need to sit down and make up for the 'lost' time. I can sit in my place for two weeks without so much as poking my nose outside the front door if I just stockpile enough food <- not an exaggeration. Been there, done that, and enjoyed myself greatly.

My cave is where I rest and where I recharge my social-interaction batteries. It can take a lot of time, because being at home is the natural state for me, not the other way around.

My cave is also where I can sit down and write a ranty/whiny post. How can anyone not see the beauty of it? Why do people ever bother going out and wasting time on irrelevant things?!

JK. We're all different. Sometimes I just wish others realized it as well.

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Being a Sheep Can Be Fun!


For a while I was working on a bigger project and I didn't want to let myself get too distracted. I stopped playing LoL, didn't touch it for six months or so, it was all fine. But then I got cravings for other games. My good old favorite single player games. The cravings grew and grew until one day I had my shelf open and I almost clicked 'install'.

But then an idea struck! A brilliant, lovely idea. I went to YouTube and Googled Let's Plays for the games I craved. And I started watching those while working (long live double screen setup). I didn't have to focus on every little bit, I watched the parts I wanted to see the most, or when I needed a small, undemanding distraction. Then, I realized that even Let's Plays from games I don't know could be fun, I've watched a bunch of series from the Game Grumps and enjoyed them plenty.

Alas, one my favorite games, Black & White, doesn't have a complete Let's Play that's not in, I believe, German. I watched one of them but it wasn't finished due to a crash or a bug.

And you know, everyone's making Let's Plays nowadays so I thought - why not make my own so that I can watch that in the future when nostalgia hits? Could be fun. And yep, it sure was fun ^^

Relaxing, too, to get into a mini-project that I don't have to make perfect and polished, and where I can just enjoy myself, because I have no expectations or goals connected to it whatsoever. It felt great to allow myself to be a complete scrub and fail all I wanted just because.

If for some reason you feel like listening to me rambling about that 15 years old game, you can find the playlist here (more videos are coming):

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My own little paranoia


There sure are few kinds of imagination. There's one that lets people draw, there's one that helps them make up stories, there's that which makes day-dreaming so much fun. But there's also that little impish sort that can make one shit their pants. Or look over their shoulder, every now and then (I'm speaking of imagination, not schizophrenia).

Overactive imagination is overactive, that's what I've got to say.

A long-ish while ago, there was a spider in my room, trotting over the wall. I've go a bad phobia when it comes to all sorts of bugs, spiders, crabs, homars, things like that. So, in the moment of bravery, I managed to grab a book and smack it into the spider on the wall. It was just a tiny window of opportunity and desperation before I'd be paralyzed with the phobia and reduced to crying/locking myself in the bathroom and calling someone to come over and help me deal. Either way, book dropped, spider carcass removed few days later by mom, there's still a gut-issue remaining.

Gut issue being a remnant of spider guts plastered to the wall that I can't get myself to approach and wipe away. Several months now :/ Um, yeah. So the other day I was picking something from behind the bed and I look at the gut area. And there are little holes in the wall around it. I look elsewhere, no such thing. Instantly my mind goes through a multitude of scenarios as to what those tiny holes are. Spiders digging through. Egg-nests. Something growing in the wall seeking vengeance. I don't know. Do I want to?

There's also the case of two fishy blue lights on the building I can see from my window. Why are they here? Are they some sort of base of operations? Should I pretend not to see them? What if, if I look at them too long, those behind them will realize I'm onto something and will decide to remove me? :D

And what about those weird red spots that appeared on my wall behind the computer screen? Going up. Is that blood? Who the hell bled here?


Maybe I should go help police solve crimes. Worked for Castle, didn't it :D

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Tiny New Year's Resolution


I'm not much for New Year resolutions ever since I realized I completely suck at keeping them (and I really don't think I'm alone in that, am I :D), so this time it will be just a tiny one - to update this blog around here at least once a week. At this point in time I linked the site to a whole of 3 people or something, so I can ramble ahead without worrying about making a mush of someone's brain.

I'll be counting the weeks I succeeded, and the weeks I failed, because what fun is a win without a statistic to back it up! 1/1, great success.

...I so have to update this site with the new title.

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